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We all find it so easy to blame others when a relationship fails. If we could read our daughter-in-law’s mind, we would likely find she is blaming us for the uneasy atmosphere.
The truth is, both parties sabotage the relationship when they assume, judge and expect certain things to happen. Getting off to a bad start makes everyone uneasy.
Both women discover their confidence wanes, and the relationship situation is eroding, but no one tries to fix it. The tension is strong, and both women are lost in their own thoughts. Before the night is over, they speak cordially but make brief contact with each other.

It is easy to get caught up in the drama which serves nobody and adds to the confusion. Here are 5 ways to deal with the mother- and daughter-in-law “elephant in the room.”

Transform Emotional Distance into Positive Interactions

At times, both women can simply be misguided in their thoughts and judgements of a situation. That is the best kept secret. Neither woman wants to upset the elephant in the room, so neither discusses any real issues or problems they have. Mothers- and daughters-in-law have individual fears, as well as desires.
Daughters-in-law want to control their lives and their children. Mothers-in-law feel the same way, but their son is grown up. Control becomes impossible, so the mother-in-law must see the changed playing field.

The mother-in-law fears losing her relationship with her son and grandchildren. She sometimes pushes for what she perceives as her rights, and she makes matters worse.
The daughter-in-law feels threatened and fights back with refusals to visit. Both women dig in their heels and ignore the man-in-the-middle’s suffering. Even when there are visits, if there is emotional distancing, little love is displayed.
Be open, honest and communicate with your daughter-in-law without assuming or judging. Don’t expect to gain all you want, but instead, appreciate what you get and more will flow to you.

Don’t Count the Time You Share with Your Grandchildren but Do Count the Love!

Nobody wants to make children unhappy, and kids want and deserve love from everyone. As much as we give and love our children, adding more love to their lives through other people is important.
We should understand that grandchildren lose the most when grandparents are not allowed to engage with them. Remember that we can’t forever control who our kids like or resonate with. When they are grown they may question our reasons for keeping grandma and papa at a distance from them.
Children ask many questions when they are young, but they ask more questions when they are older. They will not be deceived. Kids deserve all the love and attention they can get. Refuse to put them in the middle of your fights and arguments by keeping in mind that kids thrive on love and attention.

Let Parents Set the Boundaries

Parents should set boundaries and rules as well as times people can visit. Grandparents must be flexible about the restrictions and accept what they receive. With three daughters-in-law and one son-in-law, I have found that the more I accept the conditions the parents set, the more lenient the parents become.
That is a fact. The grandchildren tell me about their visits with their other grandmas and papas, and I cherish the conversation. I am sure they do the same about their visits with me.
Children are open and carefree, and they hold nothing back. They thrive in their open happy environment. The parents and grandparents have peace and are surrounded by the loving atmosphere.
This is the result of open communication, which we all strive to achieve, and the ability to share without jealousy. It turns gossip into discussions, judgements into tolerance and assumptions into trust. It is never perfect and has its flaws, but it is positive, honest and worth the effort.

Always Offer Praise in Some Form

Gossip hurts, demeans and causes unending hardships. Most of gossip is hearsay or half-truths. Even gossip that is true serves only to bring pain and misunderstanding. If you want people to speak kindly of you, you should speak gently of others. Muster the courage to stop gossip as soon as it begins.
You won’t have to eat your words or be embarrassed when someone repeats your indiscretion. Recall the adage that what we see in others may be rampant in us. I have often learned this lesson by committing the same mistake I criticized another for. It is unnerving to find the fault within one’s self – but very enlightening.

Work on Creating a Harmonious Relationship

In any harmonious relationship the interactions are easy, unguarded and contain more humor. The conversation is relaxed, the stress and anxiety are not present, and the subjects of conversation are varied and interesting. When the visit is over we are filled with a sense of joy. Maintaining a good relationship is for the benefit of all.
We can focus on what is good about each other, and learn to tolerate what we don’t like. Mothers-in-law can help with babysitting, cleaning the dishes after enjoying a meal or shopping with their daughter-in-law to again help with the children.

Offering to drive or pick something up is also helpful.

The daughter-in-law may offer to help with dishes, visit or spend a day or evening in an outing with the mother-in-law. In both situations, the women are enjoying and helping each other. Even if it is tense in the beginning of a relationship, put the effort into creating magic and forming a devoted bond. It is so beneficial for both women and therapeutic in so many ways.

The Changes Are Never What We Imagine

Don’t measure or imagine. Imagining is like assuming. There is only one you and nobody else like you. Your experiences, ideas, jobs and talents are unique, and your grandchildren benefit from this.
If you can admit that you love all your children the same, then you can trust that your grandchildren love all their grandparents. If you compare and measure then you will always distrust and feel loss. If you unconditionally love and are grateful for the love you have in your life, then you will never be disappointed.

Have you ever noticed that when you have a sense of confidence and self-worth your sense of self is enhanced and you feel and see things more deeply? It feels like you can conquer the world.

Young people, especially children, leap from all kinds of heights having faith in their ability to do the impossible and land on their feet. Many times they are successful as adults look on in astonishment and thankfulness that they didn’t break any bones in their efforts.

What is it that makes children overflow with confidence in their ability to do whatever it is they imagine? When did we replace our confidence with insecurity? How do we get back our confidence as we age through life and living?

Those Days of Insecurity

When we are sad it feels like we don’t know which way to go or what to do. The lost feeling creeps in and we begin to question every decision we make. Not only that, but we doubt so many of our past decisions that we think contaminate every area of our lives.

Most of our decisions are final and there is no going back. We question our choice of a life partner because they don’t live up to our expectations. We expected to gain a supporter and cheerleader along with a shoulder to cry on, but that didn’t happen. We receive a lot less than that and wonder how our life may have been different.

The Truth About Choices and Living

Our desire for children and excitement gets lost in the insurmountable days and nights of giving without receiving. What were we thinking?

Our job was supposed to be exciting but got boring in a few short years. We don’t like the boss very much and would like to change jobs. The fearful thought of a job change, with a spouse and children to think about, makes it difficult to do. Will we jump from the frying pan and into the fire as our ancestors used to say?

We stress but hold back on making a decision. Were we the child who made the leap first and worried about the broken bone later? Nobody tells you about responsibility and the cost not only of living but also of loving.

Our children can be monsters and our spouse – annoying. We are unsure, sometimes, if we should retreat or stay the course, but we care about them and love them despite their flaws. Do they see our flaws?

Evolved Person

We were the free-spirited child who made the leap of faith but are now the dependable mom, dad, co-worker, friend or grandparent. What happened to that daring child? We are the same child, but life has, hopefully, taught us to be kind, compassionate, loving and mindful beyond ourselves.

If we try to live life with these attributes in mind, we become a bit confused because they sometimes go against our desire to set ourselves free of responsibility, duty and even love. It actually takes that carefree spirit to encourage us to see another person and not just ourselves.

That is what makes us take the leap of faith towards something that may hurt us but is worth our time and effort. It is harder to take care of children with love and tenderness than it is to simply walk away, and let someone else do the job.

It is harder to stay with a relationship of any kind and work it through than it is to just give up and stop trying. No one likes to apologize and admit they messed up. When that happens, one person must apologize–which is not easy, but the other person must be strong enough to forgive. Only the strong make those kinds of leaps.

Doubts about Our Lives

Having doubts about life is part of living. We want perfection and think we can get it with our choices. If we are let down by a choice we made, we believe a different choice might have made things better.

This is kidding us because every part of life is a mixture of blessings and work. If you don’t expect perfection from choices, you won’t ever be disappointed.

The choice we make is the childhood leap of faith that we will gain much more than the cost of the leap or choice. As a child, the fall is worth the attempt. There are always costs to living, so have faith that living a life not only for self is worth the cost.

Learn to Be Mindful

We leap as kids to spread our wings and choose freedom to pick and dare. As adults, we must make the choice of letting ourselves live and love even when it hurts. What we get is worth our time and effort. Life lets us in on secrets as we mature. That should make us appreciate our lives at any age.

There are new people and new things to discover and to do all around us. We realize that money and things don’t make us happy or bring us peace as much as people and nature.

When we age and gain more time to use as we please, it is a blessing to be able to see, hear, sense smell and feel the world and people in it. We are not too busy working for money. We can now work for the love of life. People, animals, plants and nature need us to pay attention to them.

Forget About Regrets

There are no regrets unless you owe apologies. If you do, then reach out to the people you want to apologize to. It makes no difference if they are receptive or not. This is your life and understanding. You owe the apology, and they owe the forgiveness.

It is difficult to understand which weight is heavier. We are all up to the task of performing either gesture with grace. If it is too late to apologize to the person, a silent prayer within our hearts works.

I don’t believe we are judged for our bad acts but for our lack of not seeing or ignoring what life offers us. The lessons come through our living with mindfulness or thinking of others as much or more than we think of ourselves. We can’t ignore a need of anything or anyone if we can provide the answer or aid.

Live at Any Age

We can live our lives at any age with constant leaps of faith, trusting that we have made the right choice. We are never too old to have a purpose. We are living human beings with so much love to give, and love is what is lacking in our world today.

Children need love and some don’t get it. Older people can offer to read to kids or rock babies or visit the sick elderly or poor and offer advice or simple human contact.

Some people need a friend or advice, or even a job. High school kids can shovel, clean yards or babysit. Churches need help with people confined to homes or others who need food or clothing or temporary shelter.

Animals need homes and love. Sometimes, what seems like a “give” to us is a gift for others. Life has meaning, and every moment has the potential for a person to make a positive difference in our world.

Trust in those words and make the leap to come to the support of others in any area you can and in any way that you can. Your wisdom is priceless, your time unmeasurable, and your kindness ripples throughout time.

Overcoming Obstacles

A person I knew, who was diabetic, had a heart condition and other problems and was confined to her home and unable to work or walk. Her life consisted of weekly trips to the hospital.

She would tell me about her talks with the medical people and how she made them laugh with her jokes. If they messed up her tubing or anything else, it became a joke. She wondered why she was still alive because she considered herself useless.

I now understand that watching her smile and joke amid such endurance of her pain made other peoples’ complaints about simple annoyances seem trivial. She taught us to be stronger and jump over the obstacles knowing everything is as it should be.

She had faith in life at any age. She always made a huge impact on other people and unknowingly brought love and grace into her own heart. She had the confidence to leap with faith even when her legs did not move, and she landed gracefully every time.

You are never too old to make a difference in the lives of others. Take back your confidence and look around because the world needs you – especially when they don’t even know it.

Do you want to understand your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law then read my new book “THE PRINCESS AND THE QUEEN”. It is a unique book with universal appeal for all women. The book uncovers the secrets of the relationship. It spans two generations and will bring comfort and insight long after the wedding is over. Brides, mothers-in-law and bridal party as well as people marred many years will discover ways to improve their relationship.

I began it as a daughter-in-law and finished it as a mother-in-law. There are over twenty stories about real women who shared their stories with me. I surveyed and/or interviewed hundreds of women for many years and wrote my book based on these findings. It is never too late to improve this relationship! Please contact me at my e-mail below if you are interested.

2 Books in 1 about the Hidden Secrets

In the Mother-In-Law and Daughter-In-Law Relationship

The Princess and The Queen by Pamela Reynolds

is now published by Blooming Twig Books

 

It is available on Amazon.com.

This double-sided book (one half for the mother-in-law the other half for the daughter-in-law) answers these questions:

  • Do you know what your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law  thinks?
  • How our individualities, environments and life changes affect the relationship.
  • Ideas and techniques to keep the relationship on track.
  • Learn how to solve problems before they appear or increase.
  • You can do a makeover of an existing poor relationship.
  • Uncover the words and actions that improve the relationship.
  • Learn how you manage the interference and changes in a positive way.

This book helps create a happy atmosphere for both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

  • The book promotes relationship harmony for all women.
  • When the daughter-in-law/ mother-in-law communicate the families are happy.
  • The content stories and reflections from the book promote a positive relationship.
  • Real women discuss their stories.
  • I began the book as a daughter-in-law and finished it as a mother-in-law. It spans two generations of meaningful research.

Contemplating marriage or married any number of years, this book, The Princess and The Queen, entertains enlightens and is a great Wedding or Shower gift.

 

As we grow and mature – mentally, physically and spiritually – we evolve into a unique individual. We want to grow up quickly and become an adult as fast as we can. Adulthood is scary but full of wonder and experiences. Everything is new and exciting.

Most of the changes are encouraging and we enjoy the exploration, intensity and newness.

Life is far from boring and we look forward to the next adventure. We ignore any problems that come with change and delight in the new adventures and challenges. Boring is the depressing word we use to encourage ourselves to move on and embrace something different.

Maturity and Middle Age Bring Their Own Challenges

As we age, we discover our stamina drains faster and we realize our need to take care of self. We slow up a bit and reflect on the activities we choose. Thinking about limitations is not something most of us consider. We are healthy and strong and our vitality is secure. Once in a while we encounter a back ache or leg pain but we don’t let it stop us from enjoying life.

We hold down a job, contribute to society and enjoy whatever titles are bestowed upon us. We define who we are by the job titles we receive. We have a sense of purpose and people who depend on us. The world acknowledges our contributions and our sense of purpose is secure. Visits to doctors may increase but we mechanically go, accept prescriptions and attempt to follow the doctor’s advice.

The Age of Retirement

Retirement looms with a huge amount of confusion, anxiety and happiness. Most people look forward to having the free time while others fear the sense of loss and lack of purpose. People who have worked in their careers for a very long time have a right to fear the unknown place of being a retired person.

We feel empowered when we can talk about our job and reply we are nurses, teachers, engineers, city workers, construction workers and more when asked about what we do for a living. Now we hate the question and our response.

We deserve to enjoy retirement yet feel embarrassed to state our current position in life. We may even feel that we have left a job that has become meaningless as well as monotonous but it may not be easy to admit this. We wanted to retire despite the stress of where it would lead us.

How to Enjoy Retirement

We may flounder a bit and have the need to get our bearings before we stand up to the new experience. I remember feeling the loss of my identity and purpose upon retirement. If we believe we have no purpose to life and living, we should think again.

Retirement means you have switched jobs and you steer in a new direction with a renewed sense of purpose that only you can fulfill. It takes time to appreciate the new path but it is filled with everything exciting and new, just as it was in our growing years. We don’t have to fear transformations.

We are just evolving into an even better version of self. We now have the time to embrace those things we never made the time to see or do. It is exciting to be able to pick and choose what one would like to experience.

Life Always Has a Purpose

We are still the person who laughs at silly jokes, smiles at strangers or offers others a quick helping hand. How do we know how much our simple forms of words and actions help another on any given day or time?

Those who are busy working or raising families may not have the time to leisurely give a hello to a neighbor or call on a friend. Nobody reflects on how important those small acts of kindness are in making the world a better place.

I remember an older retired woman in my own neighborhood who offered an open door for my children if I got home late from work and missed their school bus. It gave me such relief that she was on duty to be my backup.

Another elderly woman commented that a neighbor was washing the woman’s sheets every week because she didn’t have a washing machine and had to go to the launderette. They became great friends and the woman with the washer got to meet new people. An older man shoveled a women’s driveway and she rewarded him with baked cookies every time.

Share Your Gifts with Others

There are as many jobs to perform as we are willing to do. There is as much to learn as we are willing to observe and as many people in need of love as we are willing to give love to. Our personal self is alive and well within us.

We are capable no matter what condition we deal with. There are young people who have health issues and older people who are fit and strong. Our life as a retired person allows us to see the world even from our windows and enjoy the new in every situation we encounter.

Age Is Only a Number

Age really is only a number. Health issues arrive at any time and emotional issues must be cleared time and again throughout our lives. We don’t have to keep focusing on the negatives in our lives but rather, embrace the positive.

There are negatives at any age and as we age we forget about the problems we encountered at a younger age. Older does not mean life stops. The same world is visible to all of us and most options are available with some tweaking when necessary. We don’t want to excuse ourselves from life due to false beliefs. We are never too old to learn something new and curiosity is always part of our nature.

Plan adventures and if you have to change them a little, just do it and continue. Remember – there were perhaps many changes made with young children. Life is not a competition but a beautiful ride through adventures that foster learning,  encourage peace and endow us with love for everyone and everything we take notice of in the world.

Being retired means you now have the chance to take your time as you venture forward in your many journeys throughout the world and opportunities for making new friends. One cannot underestimate the new knowledge we gain in our new found freedom.

 

Do you want to understand your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law then read my new book “THE PRINCESS AND THE QUEEN”. It is unique with universal appeal for women. The book uncovers the secrets of the relationship. It spans two generations and brings comfort and insight long after the wedding. Brides, mothers-in-law and bridal party as well as people marred many years will discover ways to improve their relationship. I began it as a daughter-in-law and finished it as a mother-in-law. There are over twenty stories about real women who shared their stories with me. I surveyed and interviewed hundreds of women for many years and wrote my book based on these findings. It is never too late to improve this relationship!

2 Books in 1 about the Hidden Secrets in the relationship
The Princess and The Queen by Pamela Reynolds
Published by Blooming Twig Books available on Amazon.com.

This double-sided book (one half for the mother-in-law
The other half for the daughter-in-law) answers these questions:
• Do you want to know what your mil/dil thinks?
• How personality, environment and living affect the relationship.
• Ideas and techniques to keep the relationship healthy.
• Learn how to solve problems before they appear or increase.
• You can makeover an existing poor relationship.
• Uncover the words and actions that improve the relationship.
• Learn how to manage interference and changes in a positive way.
• Create relationship harmony.
• When the daughter-in-law/ mother-in-law communicate families are happy.
• The content stories and reflections promote a positive relationship.
• Real women share their stories.
• I began the book as a daughter-in-law and finished it as a mother-in-law spanning two generations.

 

If a mother-in-law has trust and faith in her son, it should give her the confidence to let go and let her son live his own life. She can learn to play a different role and find new interests to occupy her new-found time.

Life changes force us to play a different game with different rules. It can be fun if we are willing to play instead of lamenting the past and turning the game upside down.

Avoiding Daughter-in-Law Problems: Privacy Should Be Considered a Priority

It is important for the mother-in-law to take a step back and allow the couple privacy and space. A mother must consider and respect the fact that her son has a wife to consider. They are now forming their own household and their business is personal.

Probing into confidential affairs is unthinkable. Privacy should always be considered a priority and mothers-in-law should not interfere or ask their sons for information. Many mothers-in-law lament that their knowledge is completely ignored. Unfortunately, they must accept such occurrences as a part of life.

Build Up Your Daughter-in-Law’s Confidence

The lack of trust in the mother-in-law unintentionally hurts many mothers-in-law and sets the ground for disagreements. The wife perceives it as disloyal to her if her husband allows his mother’s influence to dominate the relationship. The mother is faulted if she encourages this behavior.

The best rule is to offer advice only when asked and only at the time one is asked. The son is committed to his wife. He has a place in his heart for both women but his life is continuing forward with a new woman by his side. Peace is achieved when this is respected. Daughters-in-law are insecure and find their confidence increases with less interference from the mother-in-law.

Who Sabotages the Relationship?

Parents on both sides, as well as siblings, can damage relationships by exuding pressure in the form of jealousy and competition. This can be accomplished when the mother of the bride exerts pressure on the daughter out of her jealousy of the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship.

Some mothers have convinced their daughters to refrain from becoming too close to this woman. The mother-in-law’s daughter can place pressure on the mother to keep her distance with the daughter-in-law. Sisters-in-law in all combinations can be guilty of jealousy.

My own mother did not want me to be friendly with my mother-in-law. She wanted to keep track of the hours and minutes I spent with my mother-in-law. I finally had to refrain from telling her when I went to see my mother-in-law to keep peace with her. In research for my new book The Princess and The Queen, available soon, this is still a key problem.

Friends are huge culprits because they agree with us without considering if we are right or wrong. They want to cheer us up at any cost. Gossip is started along with assumptions and judgments which are wrong most of the time. We are creating a monster in our minds.

It is wiser to accept the differences and play as fairly as possible without expectations. Having no expectations allows you to always be pleased and never disappointed.

The Mother in Law Loses the Most in a Failing Relationship

The mother-in-law does have to give in the most because she loses the most if the relationship falls apart. At an early point in the relationship, daughters-in-law don’t value a mother-in-law and they are willing to sacrifice the relationship.

Mothers-in-law see the whole picture clearly and don’t want to jeopardize losing their sons or grandkids. These two losses are the genuine fears of the mothers-in-law. Being older and with more experience, mothers-in-law have a greater understanding of the importance of peace to maintain bonds.

The good news is that if they are successful, the daughter-n-law values their support and recognizes their importance in the family. This brings the relationship full circle and on firmer ground.

Enjoy a new role and play a different game.

Do you want to understand your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law then read my new book “THE PRINCESS AND THE QUEEN”. It is unique with universal appeal for women. The book uncovers the secrets of the relationship. It spans two generations and brings comfort and insight long after the wedding. Brides, mothers-in-law and bridal party as well as people marred many years will discover ways to improve their relationship. I began it as a daughter-in-law and finished it as a mother-in-law. There are over twenty stories about real women who shared their stories with me. I surveyed and interviewed hundreds of women for many years and wrote my book based on these findings. It is never too late to improve this relationship!
2 Books in 1 about the Hidden Secrets in the relationship
The Princess and The Queen by Pamela Reynolds
Published by Blooming Twig Books available on Amazon.com.
This double-sided book (one half for the mother-in-law
The other half for the daughter-in-law) answers these questions:
• Do you want to know what your mil/dil thinks?
• How personality, environment and living affect the relationship.
• Ideas and techniques to keep the relationship healthy.
• Learn how to solve problems before they appear or increase.
• You can makeover an existing poor relationship.
• Uncover the words and actions that improve the relationship.
• Learn how to manage interference and changes in a positive way.
• Create relationship harmony.
• When the daughter-in-law/ mother-in-law communicate families are happy.
• The content stories and reflections promote a positive relationship.
• Real women share their stories.
• I began the book as a daughter-in-law and finished it as a mother-in-law. It spans two generations

1

Are you trying to improve your relationship with your daughter-in-law? Do you want to create a better understanding and reduce tension? If these are a few of the questions that frequently enter your mind, then read on for some answers.

Mothers Are Always Mothers

I’d like to attempt to answer the question about why there is tension within the relationship. Mothers are always mothers, even when they become grandmothers. When our son marries, we often feel relegated to the back seat, second place and total background of his life. The sad truth is that this is the way life unfolds and it is a natural, necessary process. We cannot change this and must accept it.

The good part is our son will always have a place in his heart for us and he will always love us. If we accept his love, no matter how it filters our way, then we are not going to be as bothered with the changes.  

Change is a Huge Issue

At a time when our children are getting married, we are going through menopause. We are experiencing the empty nest syndrome, and the reality of retirement. We deal with illnesses we have acquired along our life’s path. The frosting on the cake may be our feelings of loss.

Transformation is difficult. However, life is not over and when we get through the thickets we see relief and a new existence unfolds. Like the butterfly, we must peel off the cocoon to make life alterations. We fear this because even new changes are difficult to cope with. We are comfortable within our current existence and don’t want to move forward, although we realize changes happen throughout our lives and are at the core of our existence.

I remember being at one son’s apartment helping him hang up curtains one week and within a short time, I was told to call before coming over. It is a part of life’s alterations even if I or others don’t like it.

Start the Relationship with Your Daughter-in-Law Early

Trouble begins at the start of a son’s relationship if a mother does not recognize the potential girlfriend as a possible future wife and daughter-in-law. Even if you have gotten off on a bad start to the relationship, it is still possible to rekindle it and evolve the bond into a happy relationship.

As difficult as letting go can be, a problematic relationship with your daughter-in-law is painful and full of stress and anxiety. I choose peace.

Respect the Boundaries

Mothers-in-law have a new playing field. They need to refrain from disregarding boundaries, respect rules – even if they don’t agree with them and think they are ridiculous. Your son loves this person. She is now his family. Stepping back a bit and recognizing the importance of his union and the onward cycle of life is crucial.

Mothers give their children strong roots of stability and growth. No one should cut those roots nor break them down. Daughters-in-law give their husbands wings to fly to new places and experience new beginnings and life itself. We do not clip the wings. How fortunate is the man-in-the-middle who is able to keep and nurture both wings and roots.

I have been studying this relationship for over 20 years and have found some things to be true. My surveys and investigations span two generations. I began my books as a daughter-in-law and finished them as a mother-in-law. It allowed me to discover both points of view, not only through my mind but through my heart.

Do you want to understand your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law then read my new book “THE PRINCESS AND THE QUEEN”. It is a unique book with universal appeal for all women. The book uncovers the secrets of the relationship. It spans two generations and will bring comfort and insight long after the wedding is over. Brides, mothers-in-law and bridal party as well as people marred many years will discover ways to improve their relationship.

I began it as a daughter-in-law and finished it as a mother-in-law. There are over twenty stories about real women who shared their stories with me. I surveyed and/or interviewed hundreds of women for many years and wrote my book based on these findings. It is never too late to improve this relationship! Please contact me at my e-mail below if you are interested.

2 Books in 1 about the Hidden Secrets

In the Mother-In-Law and Daughter-In-Law Relationship

The Princess and The Queen by Pamela Reynolds

is now published by Blooming Twig Books

 

It is available on Amazon.com.

This double-sided book (one half for the mother-in-law the other half for the daughter-in-law) answers these questions:

  • Do you know what your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law  thinks?
  • How our individualities, environments and life changes affect the relationship.
  • Ideas and techniques to keep the relationship on track.
  • Learn how to solve problems before they appear or increase.
  • You can do a makeover of an existing poor relationship.
  • Uncover the words and actions that improve the relationship.
  • Learn how you manage the interference and changes in a positive way.

This book helps create a happy atmosphere for both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

  • The book promotes relationship harmony for all women.
  • When the daughter-in-law/ mother-in-law communicate the families are happy.
  • The content stories and reflections from the book promote a positive relationship.
  • Real women discuss their stories.
  • I began the book as a daughter-in-law and finished it as a mother-in-law. It spans two generations of meaningful research.

Contemplating marriage or married any number of years, this book, The Princess and The Queen, entertains enlightens and is a great Wedding or Shower gift.

1

“I am definitely going to take a course on time management... just as soon as I can work it into my schedule.” Louise Boone

Technology can be our best friend, and technology can also be the biggest party pooper of our lives. It interrupts our own story, interrupts our ability to have a thought or a daydream, to imagine something wonderful, because we're too busy bridging the walk from the cafeteria back to the office on the cell phone." Steven Spielberg

"While we are free to choose our actions we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions."  Stephen Covey

I miss the love and respect once extended to me. I get home at night and just don't feel satisfied with my day or with people in general. It is confusing to think about the obligations I fulfilled yet it brings no contentment. I reflect for five minutes and fall asleep exhausted. The unhappiness makes me question what I am doing that causes dissatisfaction getting up in the morning. I decide to contemplate it more before I go to sleep or over the weekend.

I never complete my daily tasks

When I asked some people to comment on the numerous tasks they had to complete each day they laughed and said "I never complete most of the things I planned on completing." "I know how you feel I reply because I never finish everything I wanted to do and I blame me. Most people were disappointed with their day and tasks. They were disgruntled with their lack of time for their kids and spouse and also with the little if any time left for themselves.

Find time to investigate why you have none

...continue reading "Lighten Your Schedule And Improve Love."

Investigating the reasons is easy once you find some time to do it. I observe people and discover the simple problem and easy solution so I think. We fill up our day with busy stuff to do. It appears to be relevant but the outcome of our attention to tasks is of small benefit and the price of it is expensive. We may not have the money for a new car so we work overtime at the cost of missing our child's game or time tucking them into bed as well as spending time with our spouse. We believe we will make it up to them on the weekend and feel justified in what we did. We must work but time with family is priceless.

Do you forget  the happy plans you make for the weekend?

The weekend comes and goes and we forget about our happy plans and attend to our jobs of fixing things. At the start of a work week it is life as usual. Some people sign up for extra courses at work in order to improve skills and stay noticed when salary reviews come along. The family needs the money we think. We never consider our last pay check going for new unneeded clothes and other items. It feels satisfying to spend the hard earned money on frivolous things after we worked hard for it. The sense of deserving it is overwhelming.

Are the extra items necessary?

Do we question that the bonus items we buy may be unnecessary and we can  skip the extra time spent at the job? The corporate world takes over our time and our minds. We don't question why we spent so much time at the workplace competing with our co-worker. We want to keep our jobs that's what we believe. Why does the trade world decide our life?  We laugh at those who say we work too hard and respond with "You don't understand." I think if we all begin to understand that we are losing something precious we just may slow down.

Competition creates enemies

Competing begins at birth when parents decide if we are bigger, smarter, more athletic etc. than another child. School continues the pattern and the race is on to win the honor of college which costs more money and time not to mention freedom to live and love. It may sound silly but life and love have been relegated to the back burner.

Do we have a life we enjoy or a life we endure?

There is a difference. Filling schedules with jobs spending for things that actually add to our burdens or items that demand more of our time which is taken from the family. It also leaves us with no free time for us. Some things must be released just like steam from a kettle. Unfortunately it is our decency to each other we let go of. There is a lack of mindfulness towards others and respect is non-existent.

We are more like robots in our manners than humans with feelings. We don't have time for empathy and care because our schedule ties us up in knots and the light of love can't enter such a chaotic life. Our full schedule gives us brief cryptic and edgy talks with kids and angry discussions with the spouse. At times we deliberate and think another spouse would make us happier. We never consider if we don't change our core thinking and behavior nothing changes. Neglect of the family and relationships we have with extended family also suffers.

We believe we can make time for them at some future point that does not  exist nor happen. We are exonerated because putting people and things off makes it easier to let them go without regret or guilt. Maybe we don't realize the gems we are giving up. The marriage suffers lack of attention and the kids suffer lack of parental attention. It is not always attention when we keep our kids "entertained". Consideration comes with noticing their moods feelings emotions and pain. Spending talking and caring time is important to all people. We all love sharing a conversation or story and somehow the laugh or reminiscing makes us respond with love.

Love and attention keeps people together 

Love is free enduring and comes naturally if it is extended to us from childhood onward. Kids learn by observing and how they are treated. People feel happiness with love and respect extended. If a co-worker  recalls our injured or sick child we feel overwhelming good towards them. When we are happy it extends outward and others benefit from our upbeat attitudes.

Anger generates more anger and rage

Kindness spreads into happiness and consideration. We just have to reset our priorities. Is is really that important to work later or longer? Is it relevant to see our kids and read to them or observe their activities or play a game?  Can we be there to tuck them in or listen to their day? Does our spouse need a break or can they give us a needed respite? Does a parent  appreciate a phone call? Is there a friend we have ignored?

We can reset the clock and priorities we have

We can enjoy more laughs and less toys, more love and less sponsored activities, more mindfulness and less running around. Stop looking down at a machine and instead look up at the beautiful sky trees flowers kids and people. They are what fill our lives with contentment every day. They are what matter, what always mattered. they are worth more than any price. We already have it all when we have people to love and who love us. It becomes a problem only when we are too busy to notice or too tired to care. Cut the schedule, slow down, remember who you are. You are worth more than a number on a check. Give respect to others and receive it in return. Trade the antagonizing world in for a loving life. Set your priorities by what really counts and who is more important. You can find the answers by reflecting on who you love.

“The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” Stephen R. Covey quotes

“If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster” Stephen R. Covey

If we are paying attention to our lives, we'll recognise those defining moments. The challenge for so many of us is that we are so deep into daily distractions and 'being busy, busy' that we miss out on those moments and opportunities that - if jumped on - would get our careers and personal lives to a whole new level of wow. Robin S. Sharma

“Scars fade with time. And the ones that never go away, well, they build character, maturity, caution.” Erin Mc Carthy

“It is hard to be defensive toward a danger which you have never imagined existed.”
John

Most of the problems in life are because of two reasons: WE ACT without thinking *or* WE KEEP THINKING without acting. pinterest

"The discontent and frustration that you feel is entirely of your own making." anonymous

Has anyone noticed the numerous road signs of life? Does anyone proceed with caution? I should be the last person to talk about this subject because I am always going full speed  ahead. I crash into walls all of the time and then regroup and reflect about where I went wrong.

I tell myself the next time I will think before I talk or walk. That does not happen. The one thing I acknowledge is the truth about thinking and being cautious. I just have to listen to my inner voice before I crash.

Making decisions before reflecting is asking for trouble. I agree that none of us asks for trouble. Why do we end up in dilemmas? I say it is due to wanting to do the right thing but taking the short road instead of proceeding with caution. The long road is always more difficult. I like things done quickly without pain and aggravation. I usually get lots of frustration and mounds of extended work. Why do I repeat this time and again? I need to find an answer for that question. Many of us don't see ourselves falling into the same  pattern but we repeat  similar actions everyday.

Somehow, the rush causes us to spill things which makes extra lost time  to pick up. I am always reminded of my grandmother's caution of "Haste makes waste". I hate recalling those words when I am cleaning up an unnecessary mess. ...continue reading "Watch Life’s Road Signs. Proceed With Caution"

Some people rush their kids into a car only to have one child fall down  and require a band-aid. If we are really annoyed, we blame the child for not watching where thy were going. There are things we forget to take with us like our  lunches. When we scoot out the door forgetting our lunch the blame goes to the wife or husband. We may come close to running over the neighbors dog with our driving skills. Why do they let their dog out at such an early busy time of day we think?

We curse the person who poured the last cup of coffee at work and left us none. We made the coffee yesterday and did not expect to do it again today. Our co-worker asks for help on a project but we have no time to give at the moment. Their kids are grown,  so what is their excuse we think. They do have kids in college and moving day but I just got through dropping my two and three-year old off at day care and as usual they cried and made me feel guilty. The kids don't understand the fact that bills  and clothes  cost money. The washer is fading fast and the car has a lot of miles. My father had surgery  and I have to visit him tonight so fixing the handle on the door is going to have to wait. Oh no, I left the kids lunches at home on the counter. I have to call the daycare and ask them to feed the kids for today.

I pick up the kids and before we get home one of them is throwing up in the back seat of the car. I drop them off to my spouse  and head off to the hospital. I hate the smell in the car and gag as I drive. How did I reach this point in life?  I ask and  wonder. When I  finally reach home I am so tired I don't feel like eating and my spouse is annoyed because they made the dinner.

How can they have no feeling?  I think, I am not in the mood for talking so I drag myself to bed and shut my eyes even though I am not asleep. I don't want fifty questions about my job, dad or smelly car. I need to get up early and clean the car or I'll  toss-up my breakfast before I get to work.

Here are the questions for the quiz. Can we slow down? Can we speak with the kids and  implore their help? Maybe if we took more notice and listened to what our child was saying we would have heard they had a tummy ache. Would that make us consider working from home that day? Two trips to the car is the cautious way of bringing the stuff I need to work but I was trying to save time. I don't consider the cost of time it took to pick up the items I dropped because I was trying to save time.

The calmness that we overlook and ignore results in our being annoyed. The frustrations cause us to blame others. The other people get angry and fight back. The battling makes us anxious and self-righteous. All our self-righteous results in standing our ground and faulting everyone around us. We argue with co-workers, scream at the kids, fight with the spouse and endure a rising of the blood pressure within our own bodies. At these points, we consider running away from the problems, divorcing the wife and changing jobs.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” Marcus Aurelius

“Distress is the moment you realize that life will hurt more than your death. While existing, we're forced to become acquainted with sadness. There's no antibiotic for the ridding of distress, and no alleviation of these intervals of pain we must encounter. Behind our eyes, are all these things: our stories, our dreams, our deficiencies, and our scars. Today would leave a scar.” Crystal Woods

“One's suffering, one's melancholy is, in itself, really only looked upon as failure or as punishment, as detestable or sinful or socially unacceptable in the eyes of man; but this is not so in the eyes of God: for He is close to the broken-hearted.”  Criss Jami

I am in distress about hearing another child is injured by a parent or someone they love. The frustration runs rampant through my  head because I have no answers. If we are upset it triggers less appreciation for what we have. How can we give answers when our security is threatened. It is painful to worry about our sense of well-being when threats are part of our world. Such is the case for many children.

Are adults  boxed in without any choices? Are we facing a dead-end to our lives on the road we are traveling?. Is this what results in distress which leads to rage? It is easy to feel this way in life. I am no exception but predicaments and stress are not our leaders. Our levels for overload differ and burdens strain us into crazy unthinkable actions. There is no excuse for anyone. I do not condemn anyone because I am not God. But deep within us we bury the truth afraid to admit our own fears. When we arrive at a  challenging place of chaos help seems out of reach. That is when we lose control.

Our next step is the panic button. The  answers are elusive. We   losw and say and do anything. Human thoughts and emotions are overruled and animal instincts  overtake reason. A person is motivated by anger hate and revenge while he searches for ways to take revenge on anyone near him. Like an unthinking  machine actions are mindless. Reason is obliterated with all the distress and feelings overshadowed. ...continue reading "End A Child’s Distress with loving discipline"

Focus is to relieve the emotional anguish at any cost. The price is not important because one believes their life is too demanding and they are trapped. The torment and distress makes a person cause pain to others who are in close proximity.

the first ones hurt are children because they are the easiest and most vulnerable targets. Kids are swallowed in an ocean of pain. This scene replays  often and leaves desolation in its' wake.People use children to hurt their spouses, aunts, uncles or grandparents in divorce situations. Few people consider the state of mind and emotional toll distress confers on children. We acknowledge children as creatures who don't have  feelings, opinions or desires. We consider the child's worth inferior to  the adults value when we fail to protect them from the bullies of the world. We may be their first bully.

I know we don't live in other people's homes but we can be watchful towards all children. Some live in fear and others have given up. If parents don't protect kids but instead  become the culprit then society should step in. How do we do that is a key question. Maybe it is time to restructure our child protective system. More workers may be placed in home environment areas. With counsel and support within the homes  more parents learn how to care for their kids with love and attention.

Some skills must be taught. If we have no knowledge about how to go about  feeding or nurturing a child then it is important to have available counselors taking on that role. Giving someone food and clothes is kind but teaching someone how to find and earn food and clothes is better. When anyone is in distress it is okay to sympathize but to support them with other options is more productive. When a person  is willing to work  but can't find a job perhaps more effort should be made to help him or her find the job rather than locking them up for stealing and then paying  for jail time.

Maybe as a society we can think of improved ways of teaching someone how to survive in our society. As one professor once said to me, "If you lived in a rich society you would not know how to go about calling on those people who would take care of you and drive and buy items for you. Likewise if you lived in an extremely poor society you would not know  which places or rubbish cans had the best left over food and which places were safer to bunk down for the night. The more I thought about it  the more it made sense. We can't throw anyone into any place and expect them to get the rules and norms of the society. We must teach them more than just giving without thought. One learns to value themselves, fend for themselves and take pride in their work. Starting from the bottom may promote better outcomes instead of pretending we have systems in place which obviously don't  work.

When  people are desperate they do desperate and despicable things. People who are frustrated or without options behave erratically. This lends itself to other areas in their lives that become unstable. If one divorces there is turmoil and loss of family friends and security. Kids again suffer the most. Parents move on but kids  are caught in the middle. Parents are likely dealing with so much they sense the need to find themselves first but in that process the kids can become lost.

If a friend or family member is in need pay attention and help out. Give a hand at least short-term. Attempt to stop the negativity and find peace. kids didn't fight with grandma or aunt Amy so keep it civil and allow as many family members into your life and your child's life as you can. Support comes in many sizes and ages. Working on any job with others brings greater security and serenity. Going alone encourages distress a lot faster. Take a look around and find those people willing to be your friend and forgive family and friends who have disappointed you. Even if it was a  serious thing forgiveness brings peace and love. Just try it for your kids sake and see if your life and your kids situation improves.

Distress leads to heartache and problems while love brings comfort and joy. Why find yourself with greater  problems because the law has no mercy. Before you reach your limit take the needed break and let the ego go which insists on being in charge even when traveling the wrong road. Work towards compromising and collaborating with others.

Sharing workloads babysitters and material items can improve each others situation. Learn how to love more and always treat your children with respect. They are your gold and worthy of love. Too many have died needlessly or been injured. It is time we stop the pain kids endure and show them a different world that is not full of  pain and isolation but with love and respect.

“Anger is distress. Life is an individual race of endurance.” Lailah gifty Akita

“When you are wronged and your heart and feelings are hardened, do not be distressed, for this has happened providentially; but be glad and reject the thoughts that arise within you, knowing that if they are destroyed at the stage when they are only provocations, their evil consequences will be cut off, whereas if the thoughts persist the evil may be expected to develop.” St. Mark

“The Lord's mercy often rides to the door of our hearts on the black horse of affliction. Jesus uses the whole range of our experiences to wean us from earth and woo us to Heaven.” Charles H. Spurgeon

“Perhaps ultimately, spiritual simply means experiencing wholeness and interconnectedness directly, a seeing that individuality and the totality are interwoven, that nothing is separate or extraneous. If you see in this way, then everything becomes spiritual in its deepest sense. Doing science is spiritual. So is washing the dishes.”    Jon Kabat Zinn

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